My relationship to Christmas has never been normal. I have no positive or joyful memories of my own Christmases as a child, even if they got better after my parents’ divorce. I can’t reconcile myself with the statement that Christmas is a time of joy for children, simply because I have never felt it myself as a child. My best memories from Christmas are the ones I have as an adult, where I have put other people and their children in focus. And before anyone starts to analyze that statement too deeply, I want to say that I mean that in a good and healthy way. I have put others’ joy in focus, with no ulterior motives.
So now that it is Christmas, it’s with a big sadness and a great anxiety that I go through this time of the year. It is now that it becomes so clear to me what I never had myself as a child, what I previously could give (and gave) others as an adult, and what is now only a memory and a thing of the past because of my actions. Even though I have had the good fortune to find someone in my life, another man I now share my life with, and obviously celebrate Christmas with, it’s simply not quite real enough. I miss being able to spoil my nephews and nieces, my cousins’ children and my friends’ children, and also the adults that I previously could call my friends. I miss seeing the anticipation and the joy that only a child can express. I cannot help but wonder how they feel, if their wishes has come true and if they are well. And in the midst of all that, the question if they feel bad because of what I have done to them in the past. If my previous actions somehow puts a veil of darkness over a time that is, hopefully, light, bright and peaceful in their lives.
While all these thoughts and emotions are filling me up, there is also a feeling of joy, perhaps for the first time. I am celebrating Christmas with someone else, a man who has chosen to not only celebrate his Christmas with me, but also to share his life with me. How we make the best of our situation together, and create our own Christmas spirit, no matter how unconventional it might be or seem. How we even took pity over a lonely person who we invited to our home to celebrate Christmas with us, even if we barely have a home yet, at least not a home as we want it. But everything has its own time and place, and as the New Year approaches, it does so with great visions and plans. So I put my memories and my sorrow over what was and what could have been behind me. I do not deny them nor do I belittle them, but I don’t want them to be or become an obstacle for me to create a new life for myself. That is why I shed one tear of sadness and one tear of joy.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!